Qualmishness is described as a feeling of of, relating to, or producing qualms. Dating for me often produces this state as I stare accross a table at the current man who will eventually cause me to think "NEXT?" My friend, J(who I lovingly refer to as "Yoda") online quips, "And women think men have commitment issues..."
I don't think with me it is so much a case of commitment phobia as knowing what I want and what I see for my future. You know, you wake up the next day and life is still the same. It should be different, the world should look softer. And as with the case of my date last night...the world looks the same today, and I miss my son.
I always find it facinating how many women in my position would grab on to a man, no matter what he is like and hang on, just to be able to say they have someone. Often single parents are looking for help, financial and physical (please pick up a gallon of milk for me - can you wash my car?) and so they settle based on those needs being met. It is hard, trust me, I know, but I will be damned if I will settle. And honestly, there are those times I just want to roll over into someones arms. But then I get up, go wake Brian, scramble us some eggs and thank god that I have such a great kid.
I also have discovered how much I really do enjoy dating from the men pool I instant message with online. KB, one of my best girlfriends and I were discussing this on the phone early this morning. She said she felt it in her bones that I wouldn't end up wanting this guy. I swear she is psychic, or is it based on the fact that I often wrinkle my nose and say, "next". She gets what I want out of life, the road I am trying to travel. Sometimes I think she knows what I am about to think before I do.
Instant messaging and online writing allow the relationship to unfold languidly like a slow beginning to a gret novel. You can watch how a person thinks and how they read your thoughts, and if you are open and honest, magical things can happen in this little medium we call "iming".
For example, JS a man I adore and a good friend, who I did meet and found to be fabulous in person, has this im comments for me the day after the date:
js: you are just getting the message...
js: and i am just reading your joke now..
me: yeh but he's georgous, and drives a beautiful car and I wasn't impressed with the date, he wasn't up in my face teasing me like he did before
me: I just forgot that my computer was left on
js: who are we talking bout again?
me: the J___ comment
js: ahh...
js: so what was wrong with this one??
js: can you just get the car, and give it to me ????
me: lol
me: do I have to suck his dick for that?
me: he didn't inspire me, and made everything all about him
js: depends on the car right...
me: some sort of 4 door leather seat sports car - I don't know the type
js: ahh.. i like bmw
me: and I don't like the way he kissed me...not strong enough...too wishy washy
me: and he wasn't strong enough personality wise for me...I thought he was at first, he was so exciting, but after sitting with him and teasing him like you know I like to he just couldn't keep up...
js: well thats a given... *laugh*
js: how many men have you known that is strong enough personality wise ?
me: Great question
me: You, Mark and maybe Chris, but he drinks too much.
js: list 'em out...
js: can't include your dad.
me: lol...damn
js: where is mark and chris ?
js: and who is chris... ?
me: that was inciteful...my dad was fun and larger than life
me: Mark is in Bakersfield and married, Chris is in Fresno and prolly drinking in a bar right now
me: JS is now married and in Houston - you know him?
js: that cocksucker... !!!
me: lol!
And so it goes. By the time I end up meeting the man we have written our own story to eachother and the physical embrace is just an after-thought, a summery of the entire book written online so far. At first, meeting online seemed awkward, like reading the book before the movie. But, if it gets stretched out, prolonged where you really open your true selves up and you are used to it, I think you can match up your soul with someone pretty acurately. I think it goes a miss when people have hidden agendas, as it often does in offline life.
On this particular date, we drive in the pouring rain out to the coast for a lite dinner and some drinks and drove back. I have had better dates, although this is what I wanted. I don't know what I expected, but he was so fun at the golf tournement, and so in my face. It was adorable. I love it when he teases me...where is the teasing guy? Where is Mr cute from the golf tournement?
I do miss being driven around by a man. I am looking forward to someday hearing "Sweetheart the engine is running, are you ready?" on a regular basis, and I don't just mean that he is calling me to the bedroom here. So the driving part of the date was nice, and the conversation flowed, but really he was making the date all about him, and never really got that it was really about me and I was not becomming impressed. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, but there is nothing more boring than people just out of a relationship who are guarded and still in pain....why in the hell are they dating??
He never said if I looked nice, if it was good to see me, if he was having a good time, or bothered to hold my hand. I love sitting when a man takes my hand in his. I like being touched. I like feedback. I test drove him and returned him to the lot. It was like he was holding back...this shoked me because he didn't hold back at the tournement. He is suppose to call, and I feel we will at least be friends. I have no idea how we left it. Do I really want to take on yet another male friend, since I have quite a few male friends already? There is Oscar the obstinate, Bill the malcontent, Keith the antagonist, and Ryan the solicitous. Not to mention my online male friends, Peter the San Jose man, Joy the joker and my Mr Big, John my Yoda, Mark the San Diego man, Mark the CPA from the East, and a few others that would deserve an honorable mention.
Dijiuna, my hilarious neighbor also said she knew I wasn't going to want him even before the date. "Need I remind you", she says "He is a loan officer and you been there - married and divorced that - and you never want anyone". Very true, and who really wants to sit around and discuss work? Plus, I have found that a great many male loan officers are very "me" oriented. They whine and look at theworld as if everyone owes them something and it is their god given right to have it - no matter the cost. Dijiuna thinks I belong with an engineer or a CEO, JS thinks that too. But then Dijiuna also thinks I will find fault with their shoes, hair, car, jacket, fingers...SOMETHING because I have been living on my own for so long and have proven to myself that I don't have to have a man....no matter how much I might like seeing them naked.
In the next few days, like above I will give you a window into some of these written conversations I love so much. My imaginery lover has a great imagination...and is probably not a loan officer...
So can we safely say my imaginery lover is still in tack and the list continues...? ..we'll see...
Hugs,
C
My imaginery lover likes to tease me...
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